As you probably know, there are many problems facing our society today. Some of the more prominent include the current state of the economy and its related issues, swine flu, poverty, wars in foreign countries, racism, sexism, turning half-rate movies into broadway musicals (well... maybe that one can slide), murder, crime, illegal drugs, and heated debates on healthcare, abortion, social security, and the environment. However, amidst all this commotion the world has seemingly forgotten about what is quite possibly the most pressing problem of all:
That's right. Morons. Almost every problem I so carefully plotted out above can be traced back to morons. Moron-ism is a true epidemic. By my estimates, about half of the nation is comprised of complete and total morons. Compare half the nation (150,000,000) to the number of swine flu cases (800). Which do you think is the bigger problem? Now, for some (especially morons), it may be hard to visualize half of the U.S. population so I have taken the liberty of creating an easy to read map:
Now you may be thinking "gee, I had no idea morons were such a problem in America!" This is probably because you are, in fact, a moron. But rest assured I have devised a fool-proof solution to this exponentially increasing problem. As many homeowners know, the most effective way to rid their residence of unwanted pests is to eliminate them at the source. Ants? -- spray the ant hill. Weeds? -- pull the roots. Mice? -- plug the mouse hole. I believe this same method will effectively solve our moron problem as well. We simply need to eliminate the source, the breeding ground, if you will:
Yes, Wal*Mart. A place for morons, by morons. Simply walk into your local Wal*Mart and observe. People of every race, creed, and color mindlessly traverse the unfinished brown floors flooded ever so gently by hundreds of identical halogen lights. Perhaps you would like to look at an item on one of Wal*Mart's many adjustable iron shelving units? Enjoy the time while it lasts because in less then a minute two more people will be wondering what you're looking at and want to have a peek themselves. Next, watch the hoards of morons as they place their items on the conveyer belts at the check out stations. See how they feign concern for the economy while they swipe their credit cards deeper into debt. But no fear, all of that money is being used to pay for the 2.1 million minimum wage workers Wal*Mart employs. And of course, don't forget to say good bye to the greeter moron on your way out.
Case Study 1.1: The Wal*Mart Manager.
Case Study 1.2: Man I couldn't get a picture of.
I wish this picture were an exaggeration.
Other note worthy Wal*Mart Shoppers:
You probably can't tell but that is in fact a crayon-drawn license plate.
This guy is trying to get hit by a train. Wal*Mart veteran for sure.
I think that's enough evidence. The point is. Wal*Mart is the bane of American society. Lets all never go there again.
In other news....
For the first time in my life I saw an Orange Crush vending machine.