Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I hate Wal*Mart (and other stories.)

As you probably know, there are many problems facing our society today. Some of the more prominent include the current state of the economy and its related issues, swine flu, poverty, wars in foreign countries, racism, sexism, turning half-rate movies into broadway musicals (well... maybe that one can slide), murder, crime, illegal drugs, and heated debates on healthcare, abortion, social security, and the environment. However, amidst all this commotion the world has seemingly forgotten about what is quite possibly the most pressing problem of all:


That's right. Morons. Almost every problem I so carefully plotted out above can be traced back to morons. Moron-ism is a true epidemic. By my estimates, about half of the nation is comprised of complete and total morons. Compare half the nation (150,000,000) to the number of swine flu cases (800). Which do you think is the bigger problem? Now, for some (especially morons), it may be hard to visualize half of the U.S. population so I have taken the liberty of creating an easy to read map:

Now you may be thinking "gee, I had no idea morons were such a problem in America!" This is probably because you are, in fact, a moron. But rest assured I have devised a fool-proof solution to this exponentially increasing problem. As many homeowners know, the most effective way to rid their residence of unwanted pests is to eliminate them at the source. Ants? -- spray the ant hill. Weeds? -- pull the roots. Mice? -- plug the mouse hole. I believe this same method will effectively solve our moron problem as well. We simply need to eliminate the source, the breeding ground, if you will:


Yes, Wal*Mart. A place for morons, by morons. Simply walk into your local Wal*Mart and observe. People of every race, creed, and color mindlessly traverse the unfinished brown floors flooded ever so gently by hundreds of identical halogen lights. Perhaps you would like to look at an item on one of Wal*Mart's many adjustable iron shelving units? Enjoy the time while it lasts because in less then a minute two more people will be wondering what you're looking at and want to have a peek themselves. Next, watch the hoards of morons as they place their items on the conveyer belts at the check out stations. See how they feign concern for the economy while they swipe their credit cards deeper into debt. But no fear, all of that money is being used to pay for the 2.1 million minimum wage workers Wal*Mart employs. And of course, don't forget to say good bye to the greeter moron on your way out.

Case Study 1.1: The Wal*Mart Manager.

Case Study 1.2: Man I couldn't get a picture of.

I wish this picture were an exaggeration.

Other note worthy Wal*Mart Shoppers:

You probably can't tell but that is in fact a crayon-drawn license plate.

This guy is trying to get hit by a train. Wal*Mart veteran for sure.

I think that's enough evidence. The point is. Wal*Mart is the bane of American society. Lets all never go there again.

In other news....

For the first time in my life I saw an Orange Crush vending machine.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Sunday, May 3, 2009

A blog post a day keeps the people who pester me to post in my blog away.

The year: 1999
The place: K*B Toy Works, Hazleton PA
The goal: Be the greatest Pokémon master!

Charles has just put out his fourth fire energy card, and I know he's got a Charizard in his deck.

But, it's my turn and I've got to redeem myself.
Blastoise! Perfect.

I throw down my newly drawn Blastoise, quickly attach 3 water energy cards to him, and end my turn.

It's now or never, Chuck. Are you going to play your Charizard?

Little surprise, he does. He attacks. Fire Spin throws Blastoise off balance, but he recovers quickly. Fire doesn't have a great effect on water Pokémon. Charles' turn is done.

Game time.

"Blastoise, use your Water Pump attack!"

The giant blue Pokémon's shell gets larger as he fills himself with water. Suddenly the water cannons on his back swell. This won't be pretty.

Without warning two powerful bolts of water shoot from Blastoise's back. Charzard writhes in pain as he is smothered by the 100s of gallons of water that have just been shot at him.

With an earth shattering smash, Charizard falls to the ground. The flame on his tail has disappeared.

That's it. I've won!

Nearing tears, Charles retrieves his Charizard into his Pokéball and sulks to the floor.

I've defeated the final gym master at Cinnabar Island! At long last the Volcano Badge is mine!

And then my mom came to pick me up in her minivan.

Friday, May 1, 2009

An analogy for the hungry.

The past month. A graphical exploration.

April. A grand month.

It brings many good tidings, such as Easter, Sean Deffley Day, and showers.

However, after a good 7 and a half minutes of staring at a blank "compose" box, I decided that, rather than tell you about my April, I'd show you: