A triumphant return to blogging.

But let's be honest. I'll probably do like two posts and then peace out for another year.

Anywho...

I've taken a few minutes to look at my life. Who I am. How I act. What I do when no ones looking. That kind of thing, you know? And, after having what alcoholics refer to as a "moment of clairty," I've discovered something: I overuse the term "the best ___ ever."

Yes, while it may seem that I'm just a very optimistic guy, the truth of the matter is that I've seen the best movie i've ever seen in my life three times this year. And each time was a different movie. Tonight I had the best chicken wings I've ever had in my life, but the funny thing is that I also had the best chicken wings in my life 2 weeks ago at Hooters. This past weekend was arguably the best weekend of my life, that is until next weekend because I know for a fact that next weekend will be the best weekend ever.

I digress.

The point I'm trying to make is that it's time for a change. No longer will I jump to monumental conclusions as I have in the past. From now on, I'm going to make sure that when I call something the best ever, it is the best. ever.

So how does one fairly judge that something is the best ever? Well I suppose the best way to do something like that would be to make a list. Yes... a list, that sounds good. Now if I were to make a list of reasons why something was the best ever, how many reasons would I need? 5? 10? 100? How about 25? 25 seems like a reasonable number to denote something as the best ever.

So. We have a fair method of evaluation. We have a set number as our goal to pass the evaluation. Now all we need is a test subject. Something universal. Something that everyone from 9-99 would have an opinion about. Got it!

Music. We'll do music: The best song ever.

So without further ado...

25 Reasons why Ke$ha's TiK ToK is the best song ever.

1. The title. Only once or twice in a lifetime does a song with a title that is barely words become a top 40 radio hit.

2. A loving message. No money? No problem as long as you've got beer!

3. Instrument-less. It's 2010, America! Real instruments are so 2001. Ke$ha made the right decision by purging her masterpiece of these ancient and outdated relics.

4. Overthrowing the dental industry. Toothpaste makers beware, Jack Daniels will soon be inching his way into the market you thought you had such a grip on.

5. Tipsy. Listen as Ke$ha goes from questionably young ginger diva to James Earl Jones in just one word.

6. The Stones keep on rollin'. Some say the Stones are dead, Ke$ha thinks otherwise.

7. Po Po! Police? The Fuzz? Pigs? Five-Oh? The Man? nope. Po Po.

8. Hey, whatever girl. Who knew that P-Diddy felt like a teenage red-head in the morning?Not me, that's for sure.

9. Pedicures. Bringing back podiatric hygiene, Party style. Which leads me to...

10. Feet.

11. My parties suck. Because everyone knows the party don't start 'till Ke$ha walks in. Although sometimes I feel like having her there vicariously through song also does the job.

12. Hearing doubles. Toes? Toes? Clothes? Clothes? Phones? Phones? Oh My!

13. Crank the volume, DJ. Or else you'll never blow my speakers up.

14. Curb-stomping. Now girls can not only shatter guys hearts with rejection, but their teeth as well!

15. This Guy.

16. Coy Laughter. Go ahead, go listen to the end of the song again. It's there. I promise.

17. A clear and concise goal. Fighting until we see the sunlight. Sounds reasonable to me. Way to keep your eyes on the prize, Ke$ha.

18. Underage drinking. Seriously, how old are you Ke$ha? And how do you manage to get more alcohol than most 21-year-olds I know? You must have a damn good fake ID.

19. The Bridge. "You got me now." 6 times. The finest crafted lyrics I've heard since "Mmmbop."

20. Gold Plated Bicycles and Cowboy Boots.

21. A positive attitude. Trust her when she says the party don't stop, no!

22. Empowering Women. Ke$ha is a firm believer in women's rights and self defense. Therefore, she would like to let you know that, should you get too drunk; you will be smacked.

23. Rhyming for the win. Hmmm... What can we rhyme with "Swagger?" Lagger... tagger... bagger... wagger... stagger... Bingo! Mick Jagger!

24. Disco Beat. F*ck Yeah!

Ummm....

Uhhh......

oh!

25. Actually having 25 reasons that this is the best song ever.

Congratulations, Ke$sha, your song is the best song ever.

At least until someone else releases a new song.

I deliver papers.

61 Mailboxes.

3:00am.

One man.

Maybe I'll make a movie.

The truth is a dish best served steamed.

Seriously, try it sometime.

I hate Wal*Mart (and other stories.)

As you probably know, there are many problems facing our society today. Some of the more prominent include the current state of the economy and its related issues, swine flu, poverty, wars in foreign countries, racism, sexism, turning half-rate movies into broadway musicals (well... maybe that one can slide), murder, crime, illegal drugs, and heated debates on healthcare, abortion, social security, and the environment. However, amidst all this commotion the world has seemingly forgotten about what is quite possibly the most pressing problem of all:

MORONS.

That's right. Morons. Almost every problem I so carefully plotted out above can be traced back to morons. Moron-ism is a true epidemic. By my estimates, about half of the nation is comprised of complete and total morons. Compare half the nation (150,000,000) to the number of swine flu cases (800). Which do you think is the bigger problem? Now, for some (especially morons), it may be hard to visualize half of the U.S. population so I have taken the liberty of creating an easy to read map:

Now you may be thinking "gee, I had no idea morons were such a problem in America!" This is probably because you are, in fact, a moron. But rest assured I have devised a fool-proof solution to this exponentially increasing problem. As many homeowners know, the most effective way to rid their residence of unwanted pests is to eliminate them at the source. Ants? -- spray the ant hill. Weeds? -- pull the roots. Mice? -- plug the mouse hole. I believe this same method will effectively solve our moron problem as well. We simply need to eliminate the source, the breeding ground, if you will:

FUCKING WAL*MART

Yes, Wal*Mart. A place for morons, by morons. Simply walk into your local Wal*Mart and observe. People of every race, creed, and color mindlessly traverse the unfinished brown floors flooded ever so gently by hundreds of identical halogen lights. Perhaps you would like to look at an item on one of Wal*Mart's many adjustable iron shelving units? Enjoy the time while it lasts because in less then a minute two more people will be wondering what you're looking at and want to have a peek themselves. Next, watch the hoards of morons as they place their items on the conveyer belts at the check out stations. See how they feign concern for the economy while they swipe their credit cards deeper into debt. But no fear, all of that money is being used to pay for the 2.1 million minimum wage workers Wal*Mart employs. And of course, don't forget to say good bye to the greeter moron on your way out.

Case Study 1.1: The Wal*Mart Manager.

Case Study 1.2: Man I couldn't get a picture of.

I wish this picture were an exaggeration.

Other note worthy Wal*Mart Shoppers:

You probably can't tell but that is in fact a crayon-drawn license plate.

This guy is trying to get hit by a train. Wal*Mart veteran for sure.

I think that's enough evidence. The point is. Wal*Mart is the bane of American society. Lets all never go there again.

In other news....

For the first time in my life I saw an Orange Crush vending machine.

A blog post a day keeps the people who pester me to post in my blog away.

The year: 1999

The place: K*B Toy Works, Hazleton PA

The goal: Be the greatest Pokémon master!

Charles has just put out his fourth fire energy card, and I know he's got a Charizard in his deck.

But, it's my turn and I've got to redeem myself.

Draw.

Blastoise! Perfect.

I throw down my newly drawn Blastoise, quickly attach 3 water energy cards to him, and end my turn.

It's now or never, Chuck. Are you going to play your Charizard?

Little surprise, he does. He attacks. Fire Spin throws Blastoise off balance, but he recovers quickly. Fire doesn't have a great effect on water Pokémon. Charles' turn is done.

Game time.

"Blastoise, use your Water Pump attack!"

The giant blue Pokémon's shell gets larger as he fills himself with water. Suddenly the water cannons on his back swell. This won't be pretty.

Without warning two powerful bolts of water shoot from Blastoise's back. Charzard writhes in pain as he is smothered by the 100s of gallons of water that have just been shot at him.

With an earth shattering smash, Charizard falls to the ground. The flame on his tail has disappeared.

That's it. I've won!

Nearing tears, Charles retrieves his Charizard into his Pokéball and sulks to the floor.

I've defeated the final gym master at Cinnabar Island! At long last the Volcano Badge is mine!

And then my mom came to pick me up in her minivan.