Non issue. Just avoid holding it in that way.

Hey! This week let's count down the top 5 reasons people are waiting 30 hours in lines to get the new iPhone 4:

#5. Folders for better app organization.

#4. Retina display for super high quality pictures.

#3. Available colors: white and black.

#2. Redesigned antenna for better call quality.

#1. FaceTime for video calls.

Duck Fart

Hello everyone and welcome!

If everyone could gather 'round for just a moment before we begin, I'd like to go over some ground rules. Great, great. Oh, come on don't be shy, I don't bite. Come on in. There some empty space right over there let's make sure we fill it all in.

Great, can everyone hear me?

Great.

First and foremost I'd like to remind everyone that there is no photography permitted during the tour. Also, no food or drink are permitted. And of course if anyone has any questions at any point, feel free to direct them to Google, Bing, Yahoo, AltaVista, AskJeeves, Metacrawler, or even Dogpile, that's what they're there for ya lazy bastards. Finally, some of the following images may be considered too graphic for young children, so if you have a child with you please calmly and slowly make your way to the nearest exit and let those of us who would like to enjoy ourselves do so. Also, if you could take that advice in movie theaters and airplanes, society as a whole would very much appreciate your kind consideration.

Great, so is everyone clear on all that?

Great. So let's begin.

Alright folks, this is our first stop. What you're looking at here is a drinking vessel from what is estimated to be the early to mid Textonic period.

It's very hard to place the date of this particular piece because of it's very common design style and that is is made from porcelain, which was the dominant material for novelty mugs such as this for nearly 100 years.

The only true give away to the date of the piece is the strange markings its' face. Notice the capitol letters "L" "O" and "L." Some of our own historians have been diligently working to find the meaning behind this. Some scholars believe that the 3 letters are a cipher of some sort which, if correctly interpreted, could uncover anything from the geographic location of some object of great importance to a shorthanded shopping list of a 46-year-old stay at home mother of two. However, the most widely accepted theory about the origins of these letters links them to a primitive method of social connectivity called the "internet." While there is much research to be done on the internet itself, it is a fact that many social transmissions sent via the internet contained the letters "LOL." No one is precisely sure why these letters were used, but it is known that the letters were used to express humorous joy in individuals. Finally, the use of all capitol letters leads us to believe that this is a very early specimen as most later messages were sent using the lowercase form "lol."

(Off topic letter to the editor: Dear Blogger, please make your picture input button suck less and actually put the pictures where I want them. I don't like doing this the way it is and that just ices the cake-of-suck that is blogging. Thankyoukindly, Me.)

Moving on, if you take a look to the left you'll see the last remaining evidence of what was at one time the worst tasting beer in the world. Unfortunately all we have is this poorly exposed picture from a device called a "cellular telephone" as proof, but we do know some facts about the ale. The beer, called "Magic Hat Summer Wacko" by our best translations, was served in public houses and taprooms across what was the East coast of the former United States of America. This particular photo was taken at a brewing company called Bube's Brewery. Some documented first hand accounts of the beer likened its' taste to that of a perspiring armpit or congealed milk. However, even with its' harsh and appalling taste, the beer seemed to sell very well due to its' one redeeming factor: it was pink.

Next we have an original advertising sign from a local establishment in what is today the diamond fields of Pennsylvania. As you can see we have put the sign at home in our display among many popular alcohol containers from that era.

The sign itself is truly a magnificent specimen. Signs such as this are quite common, in fact , many private collectors have a great deal of these signs in their collections. What sets this particular sign apart is its' content. While most similar signs advertise such drinks as "kamikazes" "red-headed sluts" "jager-bombs" and " the three wise men," all of which were popular alcoholic mixtures in their time, this sign tells customers of a two dollar "duck fart."

Honestly folks, we have had top men researching this drink for years but to no avail. Not a single piece of literature on alcohol in known history makes a reference to this drink. Some have made the argument that this was simply a humorous prank that the establishment played on its' customers, but I still believe that this is just another wonder of the ancient world lost in time.

Finally today we have what many praise as our most interesting piece. This is, by our most accurate research a segment of a religious propaganda poster from about the year 2010. To fully appreciate the poster, I'll first have to explain the religious culture of the time.

Some 5 to 10 years before this poster was printed, two new religions began to gain traction in the United States of America. Although most of their religious texts were destroyed in the following years due to extreme backlash, scholars believe the religions to be called "Teemedword" and "Teem-j-cop." In the year 2010, both religions were nearing the peak of membership and activity but because of this, tensions rose between them. This poster was one of several that marked the beginning of a great war between these two powerful religious entities. The war is thought to have been very intense and brooding based on the expressions of the faces in the poster. The only question that historians have not been able to answer is that of the identity of the young woman depicted in the picture. Not a single piece of existing text relating to these great religions makes any mention of a woman in any prominent position. The best answer that has been proposed is that, after the great war, the leaders of both religions decided to purge her from texts and other historical accounts for an unknown reason.

Unfortunately, a poster that tells such a colorful story has a tragic albeit righteous ending. Several years after the great war and the publication of this poster, both religions were confronted by two long cherished religions called "Atheleticpeople" and "Coolkids" and ultimately defeated in what could be called the prime example of Darwinian theory.

Well, folks we've come to the end of our tour. Please make a stop in our gift shop on your way out so you can spend excessive amounts of money on things you don't want or need. I hope you had a great time and on a personal note, go back to work and stop reading blogs online.

Hot Mail Time Machine.

Oh, hey blog. Whats up?

Today I'm going to show you something I think you'll really enjoy. Ok, remember Hotmail? Umm... Well, not many people use it anymore, but it's real. I promise! Anyway, I have an account. I have since roughly.... the mid-90's. Today I decided to clean out my inbox, but when I was done I noticed a magical little button right under inbox called "drafts." What is drafts? I had no idea so I clicked it. Turns out "drafts" is a fancy name for "time machine." What I found was a collection of unsent e-mails dating all the way back to 2001. This little gem that I unearthed is one of those annoying tell-random-people-everything-about-yourself emails. Remember those, blog? Haha, nevermind, it was before your time. So what can I do to make this interesting? Let's go ahead and compare 14-year-old me with 21-year-old me. Oh yes, this should be fun!

1.Name-Sean  That didn't change much.

2.Full name- Sean Colon Deffley  Oh, good! The first change. My middle name is now spelled "Colin."

3.Birthday-April 12, 1989   I heard the angles sang on that day.
>
>4.Age-14   +7 = 21
>
>5.Sex-male  Seven years later and still rockin' the penis.

>6.Hair color-Brown   Yea, I guess.
>
>7.Eye Color- Blue/Green   Mostly just blue.
>
>8.Height- 5' 8"  Hot damn! I grew an inch!
>
>9.What do you like most about your body- hair   What don't I like about my body?
>
>10.what do you dislike most about your body- the gut   Hahahaha. I was fat.
>
>11.Grade-9   College Senior... so 16th?
>
>12.School- MAHS   Lebanon Valley College. Represent.
>
>13.Best Friends-Too Many Heres the 2 i talk to the most: Nick, Coty  The ones who take the time to read this blog.
>
>14.3 friends you would trust with anything- 0, nada, none   Trusting teenager, I see.
>
>15.Biggest secret- the one you dont know about   That's still true.
>
>16.Bad Habbits- acting wierd     I wouldn't consider that to be a bad habit.
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>17.Pet Peeve's- doubble negatives (see #16)     Oh so many. Notably: stupid people.
>
>18.Shoe size- 10 1/2   9 1/2, wtf??

>
>19.Do you have a crush on anyone- yes   ha. crushes. what an innocent time.
>
>20.More then just one person- no  No "crushes" right now, although I'm going to the bar tonight ;)
>
>21.how many- 1   0

>22.Who- i dunno, do u ?  Actually I do, her name was Rachael, dumbass.
>
>23.Want to have kids- yes  Oh hell no. Unless I can name him/her Indiana.
>
>24.How many- 2 sounds good    0 sounds even better.
>
>25.Want to get married- yes   Why, yes. Yes I do.
>
>26.virgin- yes   Ahem. pretty personal for a 14-year-old. Don'tchyathink?
>
>27.Dream Job- something to bring home the bacon   Being a mill... billionaire.
>
>28.Perfect Honeymoon spot- beach on an island like hawaii or the bahamas  As long as it's with the right person, it could be anywhere. :)
>
>29.Dream car- Hummer H2 burnt orange  Well obviously 14-year-old me was a douche. Delorian, tyvm.
>
>30.How many times have you failed your drivers/learners test- 0  None. I is a good driver.
>
>31.Would you ever ask out the opposite sex- yes Have and will continue to do so.
>
>32.hot/cute- cute   A girl who can pull of both would have me whipped in a second.
>
>33.guy/girl- girl   Females.
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>34.first thing you notice about the oppisite sex- personality   Face.
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>35.do you judge people by their looks- no   Let's be honest, blog. Everyone does. Me included.
>
>36.Have you won any awards- yes   Yup.
>
>37.met anyone famous- yes Penn & Teller  They are no longer famous. So, no.
>
>38.Money or eternal Happiness- Eternal Happiness  Those are the same thing, silly.

>39.Friends or money- friends   As much as I love money, friends are still tops.
>
>40.Are you (in a)single/relationship- Single   Single and lovin' it.
>
>41.Last movie you seen- Elf  Star Wars. Ep. 2 Yep, still a geek.
>
>42.Last person you went out to dinner with- parents... Don't remember actually, but it's Nathan's birthday tonight and we're going to tear this whole damn town apart.
>
>43.Last person you hung out with besides your family- friends @ school Nathan and @pacbraves11.
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>44.Last person you talked to on the phone- coty  Nathan. Are we starting to see a trend here....
>
>45.Last time you saw the person you like- Today at school  Last time I saw a person I did like: 2ish weeks ago.
>
>46.Last time you talked to the person you like on the phone- never (i dont think) Last time I taked to a person I did like on the phone: today. no wait.. yesterday... nope... was it Sunday? no no... Like 2ish weeks ago.
>
>47.Zodiac Sign- Aries   Lame question, lame answer.
>
>48.How far would you go with someone on a first date- Kiss   Hahaha, oh 14-year-old-me.
>49.Any pets- no  Well there was that dog...
>
>50.if so how many and what kinds- N/A   We don't talk about him anymore.
>
>51.Actor- dun have 1   Mr. Johnny Depp
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>52.Actress- Dun have 1   Right now I'ma lovin me some Lea Michele
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>53.Movie- Monty Python & The Holy Grail  Star Wars!
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>54.Song- Instrumental- Soul Finger Sung- Good Riddance WTF kind of answer was that? It's a Wonderful Life by Bandits of the Acoustic Revolution. Look it up.
>
>55.Band/Singer- Wierd Al  Lady GaGa? Ke$ha? Oh, pop music....
>
>56.Favorite tv Shows- SNL  Glee. How I Met Your Mother.
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>57.Cartoon- Aqua Teen Hunger Force  Uhm. Family Guy? I guess...
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>58.Music or T.V- Music    The Internet.
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>59.Been to Disneyworld/Disneyland- Disneyworld once   And it sucked.
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>60.Birthplace- Hazleton, Pa   Well  I hope this didn't change.
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>61.Hometown now- Barnesville  /Annville
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>62.School- MAHS (already had that one)   LVC. And yes, 14-year-old me, we know.
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>63.Are you popular- no not really   Popularity is something we conceive in our minds. I like to think I'm the shit, so fuck yea. I'm popluar.
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>64.Summer/Winter- summer  In Ecuador they don't have to pick.
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>65.Sun/Rain- Rain with thunder... otherwise sun  Good call, puberty me.
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>66.Favorite sport to watch- Skateboarding   Ha!
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>67.Favorite sport to play- Roller Hocky  Double Ha!
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>68.Love/lust-love  A little bit of lust never hurt anyone.
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>69.Silver or gold-gold   Chrome.
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>70.Diamond/pearl-diamond  I'll still go with diamonds.
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>71.love at first sight- yes  No. Although I would love to be proven wrong.
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>72.What do you want most in a relationship- truth & happiness  Something that's not out of a greeting card.
>
>73.if you had to date one of your Best Friends who would it be- hoy.. ummm i dunno   I'd date them all. They all cool people!
>
>74.Siblings-1 sis 1 bro  1 sister and 1 brother, douche.
>
>75.live with one or two parents- two  Yay for functional families.
>
>76.Favorite place you have been to- Las Vegas   Well there was that one time we all went to...
>
>77.Cat/Dog- cat (even tho im allergic)  What a great TV show.
>
>78.Favorite Color- Black  Spot on. Spot on.
>
>79.About the friends.   Oh yes? What about them?
>
>80.Most Blonde- Coty even though hes not blonde  Oh, Sarah....
>
>81.Most Funneyest- (WTF ? most funneyest ? who wrote this ?) tom The all have their moments.
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>82.Most Smartest- (i wonder) nick  Smart doesn't get you anywhere in college. It's all about drive. And we've all got that.
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>83.Most Cute- N/A  Cutest, dumbass.
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>84.Tallest- Nick   JVAL!
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>85.Shortest- Justin   This Justin is Jval. He went from shortest to tallest.
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>86.Best personality- Toss up   Personalities are too diverse to pick a "best."
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>87.most loveable- N/A  I love all my friends.
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>88.Most caring- N/A   We've all held back eachothers hair.
>
>89.Think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow- there is no end to the rainbow  Pessimist much?  
>
>90.Favorite day of the year- april 12   Hell yeah!
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>91.Best moment this week- today, home-ec, usually is  Home-ec? No wonder people thought I was gay.
>
>92.Best moment for life- i like to wait to see what comes   I'll stick with that answer.
>
>93.if you could leave the world with just one message what would it
>be- Never hate yourself for what you did, you can always do something that will make up for it.   Thanks, young me. Old me appreciates the advice.
>
>94.Favorite food- Tira Mi Su   All of it.
>
>95.Favorite Drink- Arizona Iced Tea I like beer alot.
>
>96.What do you think of war-no   Abso-fucking-lutely no.
>
>97. What country do you live in- Usa I actually moved out of Usa. I live in the United States now.
>
>98.Happy with life and the way things are going for you-Yep  Could be better, but I'm content.
>
>99.who sent this to you-Tyler   Well I guess Tyler. 7 years ago.
>
>100.What do you think of this person-Large Hair, at least he used to have large hair... Fro-Like   You sent me this stupid questionnaire, so I don't like you nomoah.
>
>101.Think this should end now- 110 is a good number   What?
>
>102.Heaven or hell - pergatory  Billy Joel said it best. I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.
>
>103.Day or night- night  Night
>
>104.Perfume or Cologn- cologne  Really? this is how desperate we are for questions?
>
>105.Do you shave yet- yes  Duh.
>
>106.Do you drive yet- no   Duh.
>
>107.Favorite Subject in School- lunch  Interactive Public Relations and Advertising. Eat that, High school.
>
>108.Least Favorite subject in school- English Math. I. Hate. Math.
>
>109.Have stuffed toys still- somewhere i guess   J'Bun Bun!
>110.well its over now- 110 was a good #   No it wasn't

And that's the way the Snookie crumbles.

A triumphant return to blogging.

But let's be honest. I'll probably do like two posts and then peace out for another year.

Anywho...

I've taken a few minutes to look at my life. Who I am. How I act. What I do when no ones looking. That kind of thing, you know? And, after having what alcoholics refer to as a "moment of clairty," I've discovered something: I overuse the term "the best ___ ever."

Yes, while it may seem that I'm just a very optimistic guy, the truth of the matter is that I've seen the best movie i've ever seen in my life three times this year. And each time was a different movie. Tonight I had the best chicken wings I've ever had in my life, but the funny thing is that I also had the best chicken wings in my life 2 weeks ago at Hooters. This past weekend was arguably the best weekend of my life, that is until next weekend because I know for a fact that next weekend will be the best weekend ever.

I digress.

The point I'm trying to make is that it's time for a change. No longer will I jump to monumental conclusions as I have in the past. From now on, I'm going to make sure that when I call something the best ever, it is the best. ever.

So how does one fairly judge that something is the best ever? Well I suppose the best way to do something like that would be to make a list. Yes... a list, that sounds good. Now if I were to make a list of reasons why something was the best ever, how many reasons would I need? 5? 10? 100? How about 25? 25 seems like a reasonable number to denote something as the best ever.

So. We have a fair method of evaluation. We have a set number as our goal to pass the evaluation. Now all we need is a test subject. Something universal. Something that everyone from 9-99 would have an opinion about. Got it!

Music. We'll do music: The best song ever.

So without further ado...

25 Reasons why Ke$ha's TiK ToK is the best song ever.

1. The title. Only once or twice in a lifetime does a song with a title that is barely words become a top 40 radio hit.

2. A loving message. No money? No problem as long as you've got beer!

3. Instrument-less. It's 2010, America! Real instruments are so 2001. Ke$ha made the right decision by purging her masterpiece of these ancient and outdated relics.

4. Overthrowing the dental industry. Toothpaste makers beware, Jack Daniels will soon be inching his way into the market you thought you had such a grip on.

5. Tipsy. Listen as Ke$ha goes from questionably young ginger diva to James Earl Jones in just one word.

6. The Stones keep on rollin'. Some say the Stones are dead, Ke$ha thinks otherwise.

7. Po Po! Police? The Fuzz? Pigs? Five-Oh? The Man? nope. Po Po.

8. Hey, whatever girl. Who knew that P-Diddy felt like a teenage red-head in the morning?Not me, that's for sure.

9. Pedicures. Bringing back podiatric hygiene, Party style. Which leads me to...

10. Feet.

11. My parties suck. Because everyone knows the party don't start 'till Ke$ha walks in. Although sometimes I feel like having her there vicariously through song also does the job.

12. Hearing doubles. Toes? Toes? Clothes? Clothes? Phones? Phones? Oh My!

13. Crank the volume, DJ. Or else you'll never blow my speakers up.

14. Curb-stomping. Now girls can not only shatter guys hearts with rejection, but their teeth as well!

15. This Guy.

16. Coy Laughter. Go ahead, go listen to the end of the song again. It's there. I promise.

17. A clear and concise goal. Fighting until we see the sunlight. Sounds reasonable to me. Way to keep your eyes on the prize, Ke$ha.

18. Underage drinking. Seriously, how old are you Ke$ha? And how do you manage to get more alcohol than most 21-year-olds I know? You must have a damn good fake ID.

19. The Bridge. "You got me now." 6 times. The finest crafted lyrics I've heard since "Mmmbop."

20. Gold Plated Bicycles and Cowboy Boots.

21. A positive attitude. Trust her when she says the party don't stop, no!

22. Empowering Women. Ke$ha is a firm believer in women's rights and self defense. Therefore, she would like to let you know that, should you get too drunk; you will be smacked.

23. Rhyming for the win. Hmmm... What can we rhyme with "Swagger?" Lagger... tagger... bagger... wagger... stagger... Bingo! Mick Jagger!

24. Disco Beat. F*ck Yeah!

Ummm....

Uhhh......

oh!

25. Actually having 25 reasons that this is the best song ever.

Congratulations, Ke$sha, your song is the best song ever.

At least until someone else releases a new song.

I deliver papers.

61 Mailboxes.

3:00am.

One man.

Maybe I'll make a movie.

The truth is a dish best served steamed.

Seriously, try it sometime.