Monday, March 1, 2010

A triumphant return to blogging.

But let's be honest. I'll probably do like two posts and then peace out for another year.


I've taken a few minutes to look at my life. Who I am. How I act. What I do when no ones looking. That kind of thing, you know? And, after having what alcoholics refer to as a "moment of clairty," I've discovered something: I overuse the term "the best ___ ever."

Yes, while it may seem that I'm just a very optimistic guy, the truth of the matter is that I've seen the best movie i've ever seen in my life three times this year. And each time was a different movie. Tonight I had the best chicken wings I've ever had in my life, but the funny thing is that I also had the best chicken wings in my life 2 weeks ago at Hooters. This past weekend was arguably the best weekend of my life, that is until next weekend because I know for a fact that next weekend will be the best weekend ever.

I digress.

The point I'm trying to make is that it's time for a change. No longer will I jump to monumental conclusions as I have in the past. From now on, I'm going to make sure that when I call something the best ever, it is the best. ever.

So how does one fairly judge that something is the best ever? Well I suppose the best way to do something like that would be to make a list. Yes... a list, that sounds good. Now if I were to make a list of reasons why something was the best ever, how many reasons would I need? 5? 10? 100? How about 25? 25 seems like a reasonable number to denote something as the best ever.

So. We have a fair method of evaluation. We have a set number as our goal to pass the evaluation. Now all we need is a test subject. Something universal. Something that everyone from 9-99 would have an opinion about. Got it!
Music. We'll do music: The best song ever.

So without further ado...

25 Reasons why Ke$ha's TiK ToK is the best song ever.

1. The title. Only once or twice in a lifetime does a song with a title that is barely words become a top 40 radio hit.

2. A loving message. No money? No problem as long as you've got beer!

3. Instrument-less. It's 2010, America! Real instruments are so 2001. Ke$ha made the right decision by purging her masterpiece of these ancient and outdated relics.

4. Overthrowing the dental industry. Toothpaste makers beware, Jack Daniels will soon be inching his way into the market you thought you had such a grip on.

5. Tipsy. Listen as Ke$ha goes from questionably young ginger diva to James Earl Jones in just one word.

6. The Stones keep on rollin'. Some say the Stones are dead, Ke$ha thinks otherwise.

7. Po Po! Police? The Fuzz? Pigs? Five-Oh? The Man? nope. Po Po.

8. Hey, whatever girl. Who knew that P-Diddy felt like a teenage red-head in the morning?Not me, that's for sure.

9. Pedicures. Bringing back podiatric hygiene, Party style. Which leads me to...

10. Feet.

11. My parties suck. Because everyone knows the party don't start 'till Ke$ha walks in. Although sometimes I feel like having her there vicariously through song also does the job.

12. Hearing doubles. Toes? Toes? Clothes? Clothes? Phones? Phones? Oh My!

13. Crank the volume, DJ. Or else you'll never blow my speakers up.

14. Curb-stomping. Now girls can not only shatter guys hearts with rejection, but their teeth as well!

15. This Guy.

16. Coy Laughter. Go ahead, go listen to the end of the song again. It's there. I promise.

17. A clear and concise goal. Fighting until we see the sunlight. Sounds reasonable to me. Way to keep your eyes on the prize, Ke$ha.

18. Underage drinking. Seriously, how old are you Ke$ha? And how do you manage to get more alcohol than most 21-year-olds I know? You must have a damn good fake ID.

19. The Bridge. "You got me now." 6 times. The finest crafted lyrics I've heard since "Mmmbop."

20. Gold Plated Bicycles and Cowboy Boots.

21. A positive attitude. Trust her when she says the party don't stop, no!

22. Empowering Women. Ke$ha is a firm believer in women's rights and self defense. Therefore, she would like to let you know that, should you get too drunk; you will be smacked.

23. Rhyming for the win. Hmmm... What can we rhyme with "Swagger?" Lagger... tagger... bagger... wagger... stagger... Bingo! Mick Jagger!

24. Disco Beat. F*ck Yeah!




25. Actually having 25 reasons that this is the best song ever.

Congratulations, Ke$sha, your song is the best song ever.

At least until someone else releases a new song.