Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Non issue. Just avoid holding it in that way.

Hey! This week let's count down the top 5 reasons people are waiting 30 hours in lines to get the new iPhone 4:

#5. Folders for better app organization.

#4. Retina display for super high quality pictures.

#3. Available colors: white and black.

#2. Redesigned antenna for better call quality.
#1. FaceTime for video calls.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Duck Fart

Hello everyone and welcome!

If everyone could gather 'round for just a moment before we begin, I'd like to go over some ground rules. Great, great. Oh, come on don't be shy, I don't bite. Come on in. There some empty space right over there let's make sure we fill it all in.

Great, can everyone hear me?


First and foremost I'd like to remind everyone that there is no photography permitted during the tour. Also, no food or drink are permitted. And of course if anyone has any questions at any point, feel free to direct them to Google, Bing, Yahoo, AltaVista, AskJeeves, Metacrawler, or even Dogpile, that's what they're there for ya lazy bastards. Finally, some of the following images may be considered too graphic for young children, so if you have a child with you please calmly and slowly make your way to the nearest exit and let those of us who would like to enjoy ourselves do so. Also, if you could take that advice in movie theaters and airplanes, society as a whole would very much appreciate your kind consideration.

Great, so is everyone clear on all that?

Great. So let's begin.

Alright folks, this is our first stop. What you're looking at here is a drinking vessel from what is estimated to be the early to mid Textonic period.

It's very hard to place the date of this particular piece because of it's very common design style and that is is made from porcelain, which was the dominant material for novelty mugs such as this for nearly 100 years.

The only true give away to the date of the piece is the strange markings its' face. Notice the capitol letters "L" "O" and "L." Some of our own historians have been diligently working to find the meaning behind this. Some scholars believe that the 3 letters are a cipher of some sort which, if correctly interpreted, could uncover anything from the geographic location of some object of great importance to a shorthanded shopping list of a 46-year-old stay at home mother of two. However, the most widely accepted theory about the origins of these letters links them to a primitive method of social connectivity called the "internet." While there is much research to be done on the internet itself, it is a fact that many social transmissions sent via the internet contained the letters "LOL." No one is precisely sure why these letters were used, but it is known that the letters were used to express humorous joy in individuals. Finally, the use of all capitol letters leads us to believe that this is a very early specimen as most later messages were sent using the lowercase form "lol."

(Off topic letter to the editor: Dear Blogger, please make your picture input button suck less and actually put the pictures where I want them. I don't like doing this the way it is and that just ices the cake-of-suck that is blogging. Thankyoukindly, Me.)

Moving on, if you take a look to the left you'll see the last remaining evidence of what was at one time the worst tasting beer in the world. Unfortunately all we have is this poorly exposed picture from a device called a "cellular telephone" as proof, but we do know some facts about the ale. The beer, called "Magic Hat Summer Wacko" by our best translations, was served in public houses and taprooms across what was the East coast of the former United States of America. This particular photo was taken at a brewing company called Bube's Brewery. Some documented first hand accounts of the beer likened its' taste to that of a perspiring armpit or congealed milk. However, even with its' harsh and appalling taste, the beer seemed to sell very well due to its' one redeeming factor: it was pink.

Next we have an original advertising sign from a local establishment in what is today the diamond fields of Pennsylvania. As you can see we have put the sign at home in our display among many popular alcohol containers from that era.

The sign itself is truly a magnificent specimen. Signs such as this are quite common, in fact , many private collectors have a great deal of these signs in their collections. What sets this particular sign apart is its' content. While most similar signs advertise such drinks as "kamikazes" "red-headed sluts" "jager-bombs" and " the three wise men," all of which were popular alcoholic mixtures in their time, this sign tells customers of a two dollar "duck fart."

Honestly folks, we have had top men researching this drink for years but to no avail. Not a single piece of literature on alcohol in known history makes a reference to this drink. Some have made the argument that this was simply a humorous prank that the establishment played on its' customers, but I still believe that this is just another wonder of the ancient world lost in time.

Finally today we have what many praise as our most interesting piece. This is, by our most accurate research a segment of a religious propaganda poster from about the year 2010. To fully appreciate the poster, I'll first have to explain the religious culture of the time.

Some 5 to 10 years before this poster was printed, two new religions began to gain traction in the United States of America. Although most of their religious texts were destroyed in the following years due to extreme backlash, scholars believe the religions to be called "Teemedword" and "Teem-j-cop." In the year 2010, both religions were nearing the peak of membership and activity but because of this, tensions rose between them. This poster was one of several that marked the beginning of a great war between these two powerful religious entities. The war is thought to have been very intense and brooding based on the expressions of the faces in the poster. The only question that historians have not been able to answer is that of the identity of the young woman depicted in the picture. Not a single piece of existing text relating to these great religions makes any mention of a woman in any prominent position. The best answer that has been proposed is that, after the great war, the leaders of both religions decided to purge her from texts and other historical accounts for an unknown reason.

Unfortunately, a poster that tells such a colorful story has a tragic albeit righteous ending. Several years after the great war and the publication of this poster, both religions were confronted by two long cherished religions called "Atheleticpeople" and "Coolkids" and ultimately defeated in what could be called the prime example of Darwinian theory.

Well, folks we've come to the end of our tour. Please make a stop in our gift shop on your way out so you can spend excessive amounts of money on things you don't want or need. I hope you had a great time and on a personal note, go back to work and stop reading blogs online.